music- avril lavigne - unwanted (let go)

thankfully next door have been away for the weekend and so ive had a few days to myself and re-think things through.

i had a rape issue with some guy last year and i didnt run away because of the force of things if i did and thats what happened this time. but now everyone hates me.

they got back at 11pm last night and started screaming how much of a bitch i was and really horrible things to hear when you feel as low as i did last night.

so i ran round the room looking for my razor and this time did cut my wrist. not deep enough but just enough to make myself feel good. same with my legs and arms.

what they were saying all hurts and next door dont even care. i mean they havent even come next door to hear my side of things. its like i dont exist and theres no point to my life.

i doubt ill be here in the next couple of days as i have that much upset inside me that it burns like hell every time i breathe. it'll never change either.

i went on this website to meet some new friends and thankfully have done. made me a bit happier but only for a few seconds. as soon as i was off the net that was it. i even went onto writing my story titled 'just watch the fireworks' and added bits to the part where the main character crashes her car and loses her baby in the process.

in real life its like someones ripped my heart out and said that your not a life. dont get me wrong i have opened my eyes to things that are good and happy in this world but its not enough as soon as i appreciate things there is always something round the corner with me to muck things up.

with most people they get the odd trauma in their life. what do i get... diagnosed epieleptic at 10... raped at 14... started self-harming at 13... raped again at 21... lost a baby at 22... overdosed at 22. im only 23 for gods sake! its like im not worth anything in this life. btw id mention rob in all of this but i cant be bothered. he has no part of my life and i enjoy forgetting about him.

being in hospital a couple of weeks ago upset me as much as all of this is, although i didnt self-harm but had the complete desire to. im known as 'neurological puzzle' to them which basically means im a freak. that says it all

people can try and convince me otherwise but try being me for awhile. it wont work. you'd drive yourself to the point where i am at... death