music: muse - time is running out (absolution)

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this is kinda hard to write as well as feeling trapped, and lost i cant type properly either as its my rigt hand that is so fucked up that i cant even hold anyting properly let alone type. poor left hand will be so exhausted after this. and dont start me up on those pop-up ads!

matt (next door neighbour) seems to think all of this is kinda funny. apparently his wife (romy) went mad after finding texts on his phone from me last night.

people would go mad in our house if someone went trough their phone! instead i did someting i promised myself i would try to never do again (read last entry)

i turned up linkin park's 'numb' full blast and then found my razor (also known as 'my friend' in times of need) and really attacked my arms. ive never attacked anything like i did last night. i mean it when i had no skin. ou couldnt see it for broken skin or blood.

i just couldnt take being someones 'mistress' or 'whore' as i feel like i am through all of this. it just felt de-meaning and hurtful for everything i stood for.

if im honest it felt like the rape that marvin did to me. i got myself in that situation so had to bear the consequences. ill probably now get beaten up or something like that. well it wont be nice and it will be saring at the ground being petrified. minus the beating up part everything is the same as i felt after that stupid marvin. all fucked up.

hopefully marge will answer her phone soon and agree that it is a good idea for me to crash on her floor. right now i need a good friend and although shes in luton shes the nearest i have to a best friend. i need a good friend. i need someone to hug me and tell me it'll be alright and that im not the bitch i believe i am.