listening to: goo goo dolls- acoustic #3 (ego, opinion, art and commerce)

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as you can see ive decided to add a big music thing so you can see my music taste isnt all white stripes as some people think it is. i honestly dont care what people think about me but i dont want to be known as a white stripes fanatic. a music fanatic- yes. i mean i spend all my time flicking around the music channels on the tv looking for something decent to watch and go out and buy the cd for. at the moment im hesitating on buying the darkness' 'permission to land', but i probably will!

anyway you should see our front garden. its starting to look amazing. on the left side its a beach with gilligans island! we have a gnome called gilligan so it all made sense! but on the other side im transforming it into this magical forest that i always believed was at the bottom of the garden but never was. sort of a storybook fairytale that actually exists.

holly and i spent all of yesterday digging everything up and carting it over to where the builders are digging up our road! the front gardens all slabbed down (well as much as we could do) and levelled out to how much i need and holly's dad, matt, came out and helped us did up the dead grass and mucked up grass. well its not even that! cant believe how much we got done!

other than all this work im still sat there reading victoria beckhams biography. i borrowed my geri halliwell one back off romy as i wanted to know how geri admitted herself to shrodells psychiatric unit at watford hospital. part of me is interested in going there just to stop the self-harm, but im scared it made it worse as being in the royal free hospital sort of set it off again.

im used to being depressed as its part of the side-effects of my drugs. when you take as many drugs as i do you get used to it. its just part of me. i have my odd moments of happiness. normally after being proud of myself for something ive done but then ill get to thinking of something thats upset me in the past and ill be back to where i started.

my problem, which ive recognised time and time again, is that i cant get over the bad things in my past. i blocked out the 2rapes very easily but rob's a bit harder to do. theres a lot of emotion and pain stored up in a 'box' in the back of my head. still it doesnt go away.

maybe its because we were engaged and i dont think neither of us could really handle it although we tried our best. being 22 and tied down is hard because i still wanted to do things that dont interest him and i guess it was the same with him. it would have never worked. just a painful re-enactment of the split with peter.

although i liked peter! he still took my breath away when i bumped into him in northern ireland once when i was with rob. neither of us said anything just the usual stare-at-the-floor 'hi'. he did almost kick me in the face when he decided to jump up and grab hold of this bar as we walked along with him and his friend 'babar' as we were going the same way.

i need to move on... but i dont know which way to go and which way is the right way to go. they say having another guy takes your mind off a previous boyfriend but the problem is finding one. until then im lost in a fantasy world with jack/mike or whoever is the lead male character in my story (they are never bastards- unless i want them to be) and a reality of hurt and loneliness. at least thats what it feels like.