well yesterday was one of those days where i got a lot done and felt kinda proud of myself. going into watford town centre's a bit like that. i think its because every one else feels the same way and you cant really not do what you have to.

even before i left to go to town i was in a sorting everything out mode! the only annoying things were that i found out i washed my passport and have lost my cheque book and have a bill that came through yesterday and i want to pay it off desperatly!

i hate having bills that i leave to pay off! im not one of these people that hide them behind the cookie jar in the kitchen!

anyway i got what i needed to do done at the bank and the post office, and then went to see my friend caroline who works at 'the natural world'. i adore caroline. i met her in the 1st year of university and we've been mates ever since as we have a lot in common.

they've got a new staff member called dan who works there and to be honest with you he isnt that bad looking. caroline says hes like a pretty boy type but from my impression he looks like a skater boy! how avril does that sound!

caroline even told him that i thought he was good looking. ok i asked her to but thats besides the point! he has a girlfriend but its really rocky between them both. caroline suspects he's even cheating on her. and if nothing happens its always good to have an extra friend.

ended up in 'virgin megastore'. thats my second home in this world. they had a 'buy one get one free' offer and my dad wanted an elton john cd and he said i could have the free one so i got 'a life less ordinary' soundtrack. i have it on tape but im transferring all my tapes onto cd's at the moment and theres a lot to do!

also got delta goodrem- innocent eyes, marilyn manson- this is the new shit, and dido- white flag, in memory of my hamster called dido who died a week before my birthday.

finally i ended up going to the hospital for my psychiatrist appointment. i'm always so nervous when i go because i always think they are going to admit me or do something like that because i am actually that mad! sitting in the waiting room is the worst though. my heart was going mad as i waited for this patient to finish being seen, and the clock was going so slow. eventually i got seen.

my psychatrist is dr pennybacker and he is about twice the height of me so that didnt make my state of mind or neck any good! but he sat and listened and didnt make me feel as uncomfortable as i thought id end up feeling like i normally do.

i said all the things that were getting me down and explained i felt like a freak and blame myself for getting myself into these stupid situations. i said about the self-harm and how i cant really stop, but its never hospital related. the only time ive had to go into hospital for self-harm is when i over-dosed back in january.

i think he wanted to put me on anti-depressants but because of the amount of epieleptic drugs im already on then its never a good idea. but ill let my epielepsy consultant know as i have to see him next week!

i have another appointment to see dr pennybacker again at the end of the month. i am scared that i'll never be able to get my self-harm under control. im not body-concious of the scars because i have so many and kind of up-front about it (see an entry called 'anybody seen my baby'). i will admit that when someone sees them for the first time and they arent healed then i do tighten my eyes up as far as they will go. just because i'm nervous of their reactions and dont want to see them.

got home by taxi and then spent the rest of the evening sorting out the renovations to the front garden with holly and andrew. we're having loads of fun doing this and at the moment its looking great! matt even came out and helped by putting a couple of stones in. now i think he wants credit for helping! i wish he'd stop talking dirty to me as much as he does though. oh well... boys will be boys i guess!