i�m tempted to follow him but instead out of the corner of my eye i see a couple of boxes and suitcases that have made their ways into the house. the removal men must have come while we were out as they weren�t there before hand. i need help sorting all of this out, as i don�t know where goes what or what goes where. maybe this is what will be good for mike�

�mike� i call out up the stairs �can i borrow you for a second?�

�what�s wrong sweetie?� he says coming out of the bedroom and leaning on the stairwell wall.

�the removal men have been here since we were out. i was just wondering where everything should go and stuff like that� i say nervously playing with my fingers as i look up at him

�oh right�

�just thought you might like something to take your mind of things. could be fun you know!�

�maybe�

�i don�t mean to seem rude but i�m getting the feeling there�s something not right here with you. i only wanted some help that�s all. i�m not asking for miracles mike� i suddenly finding myself spurt out

with that i walked out of the house, and on the other side of the door i just sat there and cried. i don�t want mike to be upset or me be a burden to him. that�s how it feels and i feel as lost as ever.

all i want is somewhere to call home, or somewhere where i belong, and all it feels is that i cant get that no matter where i go. it�s not too much to ask is it?

walking down the road i just keep thinking the same things to myself and how i want to run away or morph into someone else who wont feel the pain that i seem to always end up feeling.

--

i meet steve on the corner of liverpool road, the road where we used to live down before our parents were killed. we sometimes come here to sort our heads out. liverpool road isn�t really liverpool road anymore. it�s a park. in memory of our parents who were well-loved citizens instead of putting a bench here the houses were sold up and moved away and the road was knocked down and turned into a small park. no one on the road really wanted to live where my parents had lived. not in a bad way but a way where they could be remembered properly.

�you�re running again aren�t you� steve says to me in a very big brother way

�probably� oh i don�t know� i reply back

�i had a call from mike asking whether i�d heard from you. so had louise as she called up me and that�s how i ended up trying to call you� he explains in what seems like one breath.

�i do feel lost without him, but he�s kind of in a different place to what i need at the moment�

�want to know a secret about men� give them one iota of emotion and they run as far away as they can. if they give you it and then you give it back then men have no idea what to do and so try and hide in the places where you will at least expect them to be. call it the caveman routine. over the centuries women have moved on but men still live in caves� steve explains �mike�s just lost in as to what to do because of what he told you about the foster homes. he needs you as much as you need him. that�s why he didn�t run after you like i�m sure you wanted him to�

�you mean he�s as scared as i am?�

�yeah� he�s still reeling from what he told you and now he has to deal with someone that has never cropped up in conversation but yet made a big impact on your life�

�do you think i�m doing the right thing� moving in with mike?�

�that�s not for me to say cat�

�so you don�t think i am�

�lets just say i�m very wary of certain things that could blow up in your face�

�like this band split being turned back on me? things like that?�

�something like that� but don�t get me wrong. i�m sure mike�s a great bloke and i�m sure he�ll look after you. i can be wrong sometimes you know!� steve says trying not to put his foot in it!

both of us sit on our parent�s bench staring around us as the cold chilly air bites our faces. neither of us know what to say as the balance shifts from comfortable silences to uncomfortable silences. instead we both just stare at whatever it is that happens to be in front of us.

its sort of making me feel sick to the stomach that steve doesn�t take my relationship with mike seriously. that he�s having the same doubts as i have been lying in bed thinking about. i�d crack up again and go as mad as before if these doubts happened. to hear them voiced out just seems as cruel as having them hit you. almost the same feeling.

its only then do i realise that i�m digging my nails in my wrists. i�m hiding it but once again the pain feels good and almost relieving. the morph into something else, that i really need right now. if steve saw me doing this he�d go mad. he always does. so does louise. right now though i don�t care what anyone else thinks. this feels better than anything i�m going through right now. even remembering the pain that i had whilst in mike�s basement studio feels good. its like a drug� and i want so much more.

�i�m sorry for upsetting you� steve finally says to break the silence

�its alright. it had to be said sooner or later� i say as i concentrate on my the pain against my wrist

�you know i didn�t want to be the one to say it� he says quietly and i nod in answer

�do you want to go home?� he says after another uncomfortable silence �i mean, back to mike�

�i need to sooner or later� i sigh taking my nails away from my wrist, the thought of what will be later