well todays the day! im off to shrodells psychiatric unit in watford hospital. ive only put a picture of geri halliwell in this entry because she was admitted to shrodells for treatment for her bulimia. im not admitted, just in day services and an out-patient.

i was referred to the psychiatric unit back in january after taking an overdose of paracetamol. the limit for toxic drugs in your system is 100. my toxicity was 99! i have my reasons for the overdose. i was dealing with splitting up with rob altogether in my life and losing a baby all at the same time.

i dont remember what was more important at that time but all i remember is that i couldnt take the pain of it all anymore on my own. i didnt want to burden anyone else with the problems either. im quite bad at admitting that i cant cope with something.

at around the time of 3.30 this afternoon i will be sat in front of the psychatrist telling them my problems and where my lifes going wrong. why im cutting myself again. all of that.

right now i feel like i cant remember any of the reasons. that before this very moment my whole life was like a blank canvas and nothing ever happened. the only problem is that it did and i have to realise that and deal with it. which is what i am doing.

it is scary i know but what else am i to do. its not as if i can sit here and watch the world go by while the problems rip my heart out is it! thats just a self-destructive pattern that i dont want to go down.

if i had wanted to really go down that way i would have started long ago. probably when i was at school and sniffing tippex and downing vodka in lessons, or smoking in the next-door graveyard, with sonia and tracey. thank god for melanie!

talking to romy and matt (my next door neighbours) has helped a lot. especially matt. i dont know why i told him what happened but i did. all in one breath! it was a relief to get everything out as i never had been able to before. i spoke all this out the day i cut myself.

anyway i should really leave this before i get into too much detail that i should really be getting into with my psychatrist. not that i really want to re-live a lot of details but this time im definitly not wearing mascara! last time i did i ended up crying and then ended up walking round watford not realising i had black cheeks!!!