i havent been about for less than normal writing a decent entry because i havent known what to say. ive just been having a long think about my life, my problems and all that stuff and why i am like i am.

this all came about because of a lot of thinking about my xfiance, rob. yeah he was a decent guy when he was all loved up but i couldnt get round his moods or do anything right if he was in a bad mood. basically i couldnt win... and then there was his mother.

she spent her time controlling him. in a way i feel sorry for him because she will never accept him having a long term girlfriend as she does her best to ruin it.

take for example the day i found out my friend was killed in a car-crash... he spoke to me on the way home and was all like sympathetic like a lover should be at times like those. i felt glad that i had someone who i felt if was there would give me the most protective of hugs and make me smile.

an hour later after he'd had dinner and a chat with his mum he'd turned into this person i didnt recognise with him. also that morning his mum had phoned me up and had a huge go at me saying a was a lying bitch. i was just glad i was going to a meeting with my psychatrist that afternoon.

there is other stuff but after ripping loose of one i dont particularly want to go into the others. they hurt too much. ill say them but i wont talk about them... i have been raped twice. there... done!

my problem, i kinda realised is that im very bad at letting go of the past. theres a lot of bottled up feelings in some things and i need to work through them all.

living in the present and through things that take me well away from my life is my way of coping. i mean why else would i want to be a novelist. although i have wanted to be one since i was 7! waaaay before all this happened!

it takes a lot for me to trust men. its understandable. the men i do go for are the ones i know that will break my heart because im so immune to having my heart broken that it feels like its the only way to live.

my best friend in all of this you could say is my razor. thats what i did the other night. just as bad as usual. blood dripping every where. i kind of like my zombie state of mind where im not the person that i am. its the escapism that makes my day.

but then i feel dirty and rotten. i hate myself just as much as i hated myself for getting into the stupid situations that i have been in that got me to this stage.

yesterday my next door neighbours saw my scars and un-healed wounds. i could have cried my heart out. i wanted to blurt everything out to them but i couldnt. there were kids about and they wouldnt understand. to them this is stuff that happens to other people... not someone they know.

sometimes i wish it all hadnt happened to me and that im someone else. the only annoying thing is that it has.