this is one of the reasons why steve feels so awful about me breaking down. that he knew the signs as him and aidan were best of mates. he never saw it in aidan either. but i think he recognised bits in me. he would call me more often than usual. most times i couldn�t talk though

the walls got painted red in memory of aidan. i didn�t want to walk away from this house like i had done with my parents. aidan and i had spent a lot of effort just getting everything right and i just wanted the red to be a memory of him.

ironically it was his favourite colour and so the whole flat is red. there was no way i was walking away from aidan. not after all the love and pain we had gone through. it was just going to be too hard. and it is hard now.

i�ve sat in this living room talking to aidan, even after he was gone. but he�d want me to go. he�d want me to take this opportunity and he�d be proud of mike. mike would have been the type of guy that he�d expect me to end up with!

louise comes up and gives me a hug, as she knows i still blame myself for all of what happened as aidan and i had had a huge argument that morning, before i had set out for college. about the most stupidest of things. i can�t even remember what it was now.

finally steve comes up into the flat and out of the corner of my eye i see him drop his head in understanding. he knows what it is. he�s not going to let his feelings show though. i know though. so does louise as she lets go of me and rubs her brother on the back.

�come on� i gulp deeply �we should get out of here�

�you ready for this� louise asks

�i don�t know, but my stomach�s telling me i�m hungry� i say trying to make people smile, �in the end i have to do it sooner or later and i might as well get it over and done with now�

�you really are mike�s strong girl� steve smiles

if only they knew

--

�so how did things go?� mike says once he�s settled in back at the house

�alright� i reply �was hard to leave as i wrote some of that album in that flat. i needed to let go of the place though. the girl who hates fame belongs there�

�i�m proud of you. i can understand how hard it was for you to leave there. lots of memories�

�lots are quite bad, but lets change the subject, hey� how did it go with you?�

�you should have seen avril go! she was amazing. she�d thought everything through and laid our cards on the table and said this is what�s going on and this is what we wanted. i think she�s been talking to casey way to much as casey does work like this for a living�

�that�s a good thing then�

�i know, but i�ve never seen her that way before�

i sit and listen to mike and try not to cry as i think of all the memories i had with aidan. aidan really was a special friend and i know he�s gone and has been gone for a while but i think i might go and visit the cemetery tomorrow.

i think part of me just thinks i�ve betrayed his memory by leaving that flat. either that or i have a guilty conscience to the girl who was i.

whatever it is i�m going to the cemetery tomorrow.

�you listening?� mike finally says

�no� i have to admit �got a couple of things on my mind

his hand reaches up to my face and strokes underneath my eye very gently. i hadn�t realised i was actually crying. i thought i was just crying in my head rather than crying in front of my boyfriend.

�will you come with me somewhere tomorrow. i need to go to the cemetery round the corner from the flats. its silly because i was never ever going to tell you about all this but i guess i need to�

�course i will. any reason in particular�

�i need to see aidan� i reply �please change the subject�

mike looks in bewilderment at me but then gets up and walks down the stairs to the recording basement and i�m left wondering what i should do.

in the end i just walk over to my coat that�s hidden in a small closet by the door. i take out a small credit card holder that sits in the inside pocket of my coat and sit on the floor with my back leaning against the door.

flicking through it i find myself in two different worlds. looking around i see things i should never have been able to afford with the money i have and looking down i see a picture of aidan and remember all the times we had together.

he was the only guy who really understood my penchant for certain things. maybe mike does but not as fully as aidan did.

i don�t love aidan, i just miss aidan. i�d never thought about him as much as i had from visiting that flat. i need to spend some time with mike. but first i need mike to come out from the basement and he will only do that when he is good and ready and at the moment that is not now.

instead i walk up round the house thinking about whether i�ve made the right choice in telling him, and i guess moving here. i understand why mike�s hard to live with but what i cant understand is why he can be a complete arsehole when it comes to certain things.

he does have a lot stored up but that doesn�t mean you take them out on someone else. especially not someone you know is going through a rough patch at the same time.

--

sat in the kitchen i hear the basement door go and just ignore the sound. i don�t want him to think that i�m a girl who cant live without him. i�m not that type of girl at all. i want him to find me, rather than me find him because that way it proves some things that need to be proved.

�cat�� he says quietly, finally finding me

i sit there in complete silence with my head in my hands and a tear sat in my eye, ready to fall but i am winning the fight to keep it where it is.

i�m staring at the picture in front of me of mike and members of his band remembering the times of my moment in the spotlight of music. that was before the clouds came over and i had to walk away or else

�please, cat� mike begs of me but still i sit there feeling like i have no feelings inside me at all.

�i don�t want you to feel like this. i want you to be happy� he continues �i don�t want you to wander round the house like a stranger every time i lock myself in the basement. its stupid of me i know but i cant help it. its like my only refuge. the only place i can honestly call home. i spent a lot of time in foster care. being moved from house to house and i hated it. now i found a place to be, i just want to be there. i guess i�m a complete bastard because i don�t think. i just fuck about with other peoples feelings�

i slowly turn around and look at him sat on the floor and staring at the carpet.

suddenly i feel like a bitch.

getting up i move myself from my chair and sit opposite of him in the door-way. he looks up and i move my hand to hold his. he looks like this was so hard for him to say, and i�m pretty sure it was as he�s shaking like mad.

�i understand mike� i whisper �i really do understand. i haven�t been there but i know the pain. and it hurts. a lot. you don�t know what to do and you don�t know where to go�

mike nods and a tear slides down his cheek. i move forward and slide him in my arms. he tugs at my top as he holds me and the tears run at full-flow.

he�s starting to make me cry as i think of the pain i�ve been through. i don�t know what possessed him to tell me this but i�m glad he did. it makes sense as to why he hides down there. but he�s leaving it all behind now.

�look at us both!� i sniff, trying to make him laugh, �two people who don�t know what to do without each other!�