the car dropped me behind the back of the studios and i silently crept down the streets where i live in this mad torrential wind. my hair was flying all over my face and i had to constantly push it out of my eyes.

walking down the road didn�t seem to have the same appeal to it as it normally did. i wasn�t as smiley. i was tempted to call mike just so i could find that smile but remembered that he was in a meeting with the head of the bands record company. maybe these feelings i�m getting are signalling the end of an era.

i�m knocked back down to earth when my hair flaps in my face again. as i pull the hair back out of my face i see the block of flats i live at� the coffee shop next to me� the market trader round the corner� just all the familiar sights and smells that i�m used to that don�t feel as right anymore.

walking up the stairs to the fifth floor, typically the lift isn�t working, makes me think about all the times i wish i could have brought mike here, and all the smiles i�ve had taking the grocery up here.

the contented smiles� carrying the grocery up� something�s not right!

those contented smiles whilst carrying the groceries up weren�t the happiness i felt being just happy that i lived here and was free and independent. they were because of mike. i�d always have just been dropped off by mike. always.

think about it� who smiles whilst carrying groceries up 5floors! no one. instead you imagine what it would be like 5floors up rather than finding out the bottom of a carrier bag has broken!

finally i reach the top of the stairs. the opposite window is smashed. it has been ever since i moved in. got promised it would be fixed but it never happened.

slipping the key in the lock and opening the door felt like i was re-visiting a ghost town. this place is meant to be my home but instead feels like somewhere i have never been, despite only being here a week ago.

�you alright cat?� i hear a recognisable voice say and squeal in shock as i turn round to steve

my siblings louise and steve met me just after i got out the car in a secluded cafe. they have come to help me pack.

steve will make some girl a great boyfriend but until then he loves being single and getting drunk. he has had a girlfriend but every time he puts his foot in it and says the wrong thing. he doesn�t mean to. you�d think with two sisters he would have learnt by now but i think he tries not to get a girlfriend. it hurt him a lot seeing me like i was. he has admitted to me that he wishes he�d tried harder and not left it so long to smash the door down.

louise and andy split up, as he couldn�t stand the fact that i tried to kill myself and louise was spending all her time trying to help me when he thought they should be working on their relationship. i remember her coming in looking more depressed than i was and then explaining what happened. the emotional tables shifted and i felt really crap for having a part in their separation. louise then let me in a few secrets and made me laugh. she�s since got together with another man, who proposed to her the other day. he�s also the first guy that louise has been out with that steve hasn�t wanted to punch for being a twat!

as you can guess we are as close as siblings can be. we�ve looked after each other for ages. since our parents died when i was about 7, we�ve been a family together. i�m the youngest of all of us and both of my brother and sister have been more like parents to me then anyone. other than mike they are the only people who understand and make sure i take my anti-depressants!

�oh, yeah i�m fine� i finally reply after taking a good look round the place

�feels wrong to you doesn�t it?� steve says finding a couple of boxes that i never even got round to opening. i�m guessing they have old band memorabilia in them

�what do you mean? if you mean moving in with mike then that�s as close as wrong as you can get. mike�s a part of my life that�s right�. oh� now i understand� i then say as i see the look on louise�s face, �i will admit that i don�t think i could live here again�

�come on, lets sort this place out, you got any spare boxes? and there�s a load of crap we could sure through out. thankfully we took the day off work! have you worked out how your going to get all your stuff over to mike�s?�

and then my phone goes off!

�hey baby!� i smile, glad to hear mike�s voice �i�m fine� we are just sorting through a load of crap� louise and steve say hello� will tell them� everything alright with you� oh right� you�ll sort it out� there is four of you wanting this� just compromise baby� i know� well i�ll let you go� oh yeah� how am i getting my stuff all the way from the 5th floor of a block of flats to yours� oh ok� yeah that�s probably best� give you a call later� love you baby�

louise and steve turn to me in anticipation and i�m too caught up in the fact that i�ve just spoken to mike to remember what i�m meant to reply!

�so?� steve asks �what�s happening with the moving of all your crap?�

�box it all up and leave it in a room and he�ll get some removal people to do it for us� we get the hard job of sorting through it and boxing it! i reply with a smile �he says to say hello back!�

�you�ve found a good one there� louise says, coming in with a couple of empty boxes, seemingly proud of her little sister!

knowing what was in certain boxes i put them to the rubbish pile. i didn�t even want to see what was in them. i didn�t want to be remembered of my past and i guess living here is my past as well.

the walls are red and i keep remembering of arguments with ex-boyfriends.

i�ve put up with this place for too long and its time to move on to somewhere different, i think with a tear in my eye as i also remember the good times i�ve had here� i was sat on that table over there writing lyrics to one of our critically acclaimed songs. funny how time changes and the world changes.

my world�s completely different to what it was say, four years ago. i�m older now. being the age i was and going through what i went through is understandable to a lot of people. mike�s the same age. he�s gone through the same things as i have without the breakdown and understands the pressures. between us we both have enough money from royalties.

at least i do for myself if it all breaks down between us both. that was the problem with being the principal songwriter in a band. you get the royalties and every so often my music will appear in the background on television and i�ll get the copyright credit from it all.

--

louise switches the radio off and we look around at the damage caused to everything in the house. it�s all sorted. all the stuff that belongs in the rubbish and the past steve has taken downstairs and we are just waiting for him to climb the stairs again.

�looks empty� i comment

�i know� louise smiles, �just like when you first moved in all those years ago, before living in hotels�

�the hotel�s weren�t that bad� i stay trying to be stubborn but cracking a smile on my face at the same time and i see louise cracks up in laughter with me at the same time, �ok yeah they were!�

�are you ready for this?� louise says suddenly turning serious

�what do you mean?� i say feeling very lost

�mike�s famous. you want to stay away from it all� she comments

�don�t be so negative. i�ve been a video model for a while now. under a different disguise but still in the industry. mike�s band is splitting up. he�s sorting out the finer points of it all as we speak. it�s pretty much a compromise in everything. i didn�t want mike to give up his career for me. he just somehow did and i don�t really want him to but i�ve seen it coming for a while� i protest

�hey, i was only asking!�

�i�m sorry� i just get very defensive about my boyfriend. you know that!�

�i know you don�t want to lose him, but what happened with aidan wont happen with mike. i promise you�

�mike doesn�t even know about aidan. i�ll never tell him� i sniff remembering the guy from my past whom i used to share a lot of my lyrics and times with. the pain in those lyrics comes from him

aidan powell was one of the greatest people i had ever met. he lived round the corner from me when my parents were alive. i hated that house when my parents died. i have never seen the place since louise, steve and i moved out. with aidan�s help

when i was old enough, and louise and steve felt all right with it, aidan and i moved in this flat together.

everything was sweetness and light at first but didn�t end up that way. i was 18 when it all happened. just turned 18. think about a week after. aidan died.

aidan died of a sudden brain haemorrhage. i came home from college one day to find blood dripping out from under the bathroom door. i threw my stuff in the next room and ran out the door.

i was too scared to open the bathroom door so i called steve up as louise was at work and he came over as soon as he could. five minutes. he was only round the corner, thankfully, and on his way to see me anyway. steve told me to ring the ambulance as soon as he�d kicked the door down and it was as worse as i could have ever imagined. it was like something out of a horror movie that makes you feel ill. he looked like stephen dorff did when he died playing stuart sutcliffe in the beatles biography film �backbeat�. i will never watch that film again. its like my life is full of bits of films and i can�t get out of it.

i felt even worse knowing that aidan was a friend who was hopelessly in love with me and i was gradually falling for him. in fact the next week i was going to admit it to him.

i did admit it to him at his grave one day when i visited the cemetery on my own. i did that a lot. would sit on the bench opposite with a pen and paper and write whatever came into my head. anything.

there�s a song on that �critically acclaimed album� called "one of these days" and its all the thoughts that came into my head one day when i was sat on that bench. i even had a melody and a rhythm. i played it on the guitar for jordan one day and he just burst out crying, and i�ve never seen him cry