i smile as i watch mike sleep.

as you can guess, i didn�t go home that night. yes i was the dirty stop out that you never want your kids to grow up to be! at the age of 30-something! well after all the things he had asked me it would be stupid to go back to the four walls i call my home. i even spend more time here than i do at mine.

when i gave up fame i gave up all the luxuries that go with fame. i now therefore live in the back streets in at the top of a block of flats, with a lift that never works and so i smile contently to myself as i drag my shopping up the stairs. now most of the food in my house is off! only because if i took mike there then all media hell would break lose. not that they don�t anyway but its kind of safer for our relationship if i stay round mike�s.

i really do have a moral dilemma on my hands don�t i!

the thing is that smile walking up the stairs with the shopping is the part of me that really sometimes feels like me. i loved being the person that i was before my band got the record deal.

life was so much easier. i could walk into a store and not get hounded by people recognising me and wanting their picture taken with me. i used to be that kind of person when i was younger but none of the people that i have autographs of are even recognisable now. i don�t even remember them. it�s like a transport to your past.

its like what jack white from �the white stripes� once said� �in 20 years time all that will be remembered is the music�. he was right� to a degree. now things are changing. the music isn�t being remembered, because it�s written to be awful. it�s the people that record it. only real music should be remembered. hide behind the instruments and write something people can relate to - that�s the key to everything. like having an original film script that includes sex and violence, then you�ll get a distributor and maybe a worthy box office.

but if you can�t take it and crack up you can�t hide anymore. there are times when you have to run away.

i ran away because the glare of the spotlight and thousands of people were waiting for me to open my mouth. it was like i�d lost my voice and i couldn�t remember the words. the cameras were on me� peoples eyes were on me. there were people for as far as the eye could see. now the band had done gigs before. some bigger than the one i cracked up at.

i couldn�t take it and so i dropped my mike and ran as fast as i could out of there. i hid in a toilet out the back and just started crying and crying. i drowned myself out by crying.

thankfully it was jordan, the bassist in the band, who found me. he discreetly called for our security guard to take me home.

discreetly wasn�t easy when everyone was out looking for me. it was like i was courtney love when she cracked up at the carling Festival that year after kurt cobain died, or something like that. i remember feeling for her and thinking how much courage she had to be up there.

people knew it was a big story, but inside of me i knew it was a bigger story. if people had known the truth about why i ran, i�d be called a lot worse than i was. the damage was done as it was. ripped and torn at the seams.

whilst crying in my house, there were documentaries about my demise and me. people known as friends, and people i had never even met before- pretending to be friends- called in to shows and over stated my breakdown and how they had seen it coming for ages.

i hadn�t even seen it coming. yes i wrote angst-y music but it doesn�t mean i�m living that way every second of the day. i can be happy you know.

i�m happy now. just seeing mike�s face. i woke up with my usual nightmare but seeing his ruffled up hair and smile as he sleeps is enough to make me melt inside. i reach over and stroke the side of his cheek gently and breathlessly, smiling ever more so as i do.

i feel like a stupid schoolgirl who has just discovered the new fantasy realms of loving a man. although it maybe stupid but i seem to live it quite a bit more than i usually do at the moment.

precisely at that moment, mike�s eyes quickly open as he reaches out and grabs my hand. i gasp in shock and try to be calm and civilised but i cant as i fall into his eyes. i slide my hand down his cheek as softly as i have been as he reaches over and plays softly with my hair, twisting it round his finger and then smoothening it all down. as all of this goes on we are both lost in each others eyes

�you had your nightmare didn�t you?� he asks softly without moving

�yeah� the usual festival one� i say, my gaze slightly tilting a bit, almost like i�m ashamed of it

�hey� mike says sitting up, pulling me by the hand

as he pulls me up against his body all i can think of is how stupid it is that i�ve woken him up with a stupid dream! if i said that to him he�d kill me!

after all i�ve put him through today i cant believe that he wants to be in this room holding me like he is� i cant even believe he washed everything away for me� i cant even believe a guy like him exists!

the girl in me from the back streets pulls away from his hold, embarrassed to being held by him. i know shes a stupid girl, but shes also part of me and i cant part with her can i?

i've lived like her for awhile. i've always been 2 different people and i think ive come to the end of the course and i need to discover who the real me is and where she belongs.

the temptation of the back streets is very appealing but then i would lose mike.

�mike, i need to go somewhere tomorrow. is it ok to be picked up and dropped off discreetly somewhere. if you want me to stay over tomorrow night then i can, but its up to you�

�its not up to me� its up to you. You know you can be here as long as you want and whenever you want, but yeah i can get you dropped off. i need to sort out some official dis-banding tomorrow anyway so i couldn�t be around to be with you� he rambles �i think i know what you have to do�

�whats that then� i reply, sliding back under the covers

his warm body joins mine and we lay there holding each others hands

�you need to cut some ties. find out who you really are and where you really belong. part of you wants to live back in the back streets. round the back of the studios�� mike begins, �although where ever you be you will always see me�

�i know� i smile holding his hand a little bit tighter, �i hate it when your always right!�

�perks of being a man� he laughs and to shut him up i find myself kissing him

i didn�t realise i was doing it till my lips were against his, and my hands were sliding up and down his body.

it wasn�t a normal kiss. it was a kiss that when i pulled away, i bit my bottom lip and pulled my knees up to my rest my chin on as mike looks at me in complete amazement

�catherine, what did you just do?� he gasps in shock after a few moments

�kiss you� i say still biting my bottom lip

�wow!� he replies making me laugh

�i can kiss you again�

�i don�t think i�d be able to handle it� he says taking my hand and sliding it over to his boxer shorts!

�neither do i somehow!� i gasp feeling all giddy, �i�ll leave you to gasp and calm down whilst i go to sleep. i have a lot to do tomorrow. can i borrow a couple of boxes? i�ve decided i will move in but only on the condition that my name never gets mentioned in the split of the band�

�will you stop shocking me!� mike squeals �i cant take this anymore! first my girlfriend gives me the kiss of a lifetime and as soon as i literally get my breath back she announces she is moving in!�

�go to sleep and shut up!� i laugh throwing my pillow at him �because i am!�