a lots happened the last couple of days. lifes changed dramatically an dits all my own doing.

i want things this way because otherwise i'll be stuck in a rut where all id be doing is working in sainsburys and having no time to myself where id be slashing myself and trying to get help from the very few friends i have left who'd ignore me. thats what my life has become and thats how i dont want it to stay.

went to the doctors today with an emergency appointment. i like dr carter. she listens. my normal doctor is off ill at the moment. dr carter gave me a medical certificate that lasts for the month i need for my notice at work.

i was in such a state (i couldnt focus and had no control over some parts of my body) yesterday that there was no way i could have kept that job. they would have sacked me. thats what the risk assessment was about. if i failed it id be sacked on the spot.

i wasnt giving them the satisfaction of that! the medical certificate is my passport out of that place.

i was talking on msn to my friend lara who has only just left. she worked her notice. we were saying how good and free it felt to be out of there. which it does.

its like having the free open world to you and you get to choose what you do and where you go!

dr carter suggested that i go and see an optician about my problems with focusing that happened yesterday.

i think im going to end up with reading glasses or something like that. a lot of my family have reading glasses. ive been lucky so far, but my eyes are kinda painful at the back. maybe has to do with reading a lot and living on the computer.

i wanna be a novelist and the only way i can do that is have things typed on the computer rather than hand-written, which id prefer. unfortunatly i cant argue so thats the way lifes going.

my next door neighbour, matt, may be concerned with the fact of my self-harm but he is freaking me out. when his wife goes to work on nights i sit out there and talk to his kids, holly and andrew, as i get on great with them. im kinda like a big sister to them. keep them safe and all that.

just recently matt's started flirting with me and i get really nervous about all of this. he doesnt appeal to me at all in a fanciable way. kinda giving me the creeps at the moment especially when he tried to kiss me last night. thankfully not properly but even so.

some things are just scary and you dont want them to happen and this is one of them. hes a friend to me and nothing else.

holly's grown up (second year at secondary school) and knows im nervous of all of this but still he does it and im beginning to get really freaked.

to be honest all men freak me out