it hurts to know a lot of your friends hate you.

theres becky... whom was once my best friend but now... well i dont know and am not ready to mention it. im not angry... just hurt and misundersanding what happened

last night i had a hateful text from greg. id had some bad news and needed a friend. i hoped id get that in him but i didnt. all i got was a load of abuse and fucked up hatred.

afterwards i sat there curled up against the wall not knowing whether to be alone or pour my heart out to anyone.

in the end i poured my heart out to a friend. a friend whose name i have mentioned in here but not too sure about things. i think she cares. scrub that- i know she cares because otherwise she wouldnt phone me every day to see how i am and how alive i must be feeling.

last night i wasnt feeling that alive. i lay in bed trying to find the energy to make some pain out of my arm. to watch it bleed and see all the pain seep out. theres too much pain inside of me.

i spent a lot of time yesterday watching the video for linkin park's 'numb'. its just come out and part of me feels ill and sick to the stomach because the girl in there is me. every single part of the pain she goes through is me... the self-harm... the ignorance... just everything.

part of me feels like im starting to be accepted by myself as the self-harm becomes less a part of my life. once i couldnt go through a day without doing it at least once. i was that mucked up.

but im trying my best not to be her

--

went shopping yesterday and didnt get that much stuff. watfords not very good for shopping if you dont have much money.

my friend caroline works there and i went to see her. i love her to bits. we met through university and have the same likes and hates. we both have our goth tendancies!

although shes more dance-y than i am we still have this weird connection. i mean shes making me drag her off to camden soon and im not arguing as i love that place!!!

normally i go on my own but if i can have company then i dont mind. although i am a shopping-on-your-own person! i will have my doubts though