nervously i take mike up the stairs to the living room.

it seems to take forever to walk to the telephone that�s sat in the corner of the room.

if this were like an alfred hitchcock movie or something like that then the emphasis would be put so much on the background music and the tension in the face that it would be unbearable.

your heart would be beating like mad and the audience would be going crazy with anticipation.

and that�s exactly how i feel. just like when the phone rang

i�m trying to stay as calm as possible and not tighten mike�s hand anymore than i have to but i�m doing a really crap job of it!

mike looks at me, almost sensing the nervousness in my body and i smile at him to show that everything�s ok

�honestly its ok, mike� i say quickly

�i know� he quietly says, which scares me even more.

mike talking quietly is the tone you don�t want to hear. it�s a tone, which scares me, and a tone, which makes me feel like i�ve done wrong rather than the situation getting to him.

we sit down by the phone and stare at it for what seems like ages and then looking into my eyes for support. mike eventually takes hold of the phone receiver and my hand at the same time.

he dials the number that belongs to rob with the hand holding the phone receiver.

looking at him his eyes are shut so tight i can almost feel the pain in it. i try to not let the tears in my eyes show but it�s getting hard and i�m just thankful that mike can�t see me almost on the verge of tears ripping down my face.

�hey mate� i hear mike say, eyes still closed, and mentally i have my fingers, toes and everything else crossed, just hoping it was him that called.

i don�t think i could handle someone from their record company calling.

�you didn�t just happen to call did you?� i hear mike say with his eyes now even more tightened up.

the pause is horrible. mike can hear what is being said and i�m sat here waiting in agony for a result that my boyfriend knows and i don�t. oh god what�s going on!

then before mike can tell me what�s going on, my hand leaves his and i have to go in another room because i cant stand the pressure or intensity of this moment. i feel like i�m going insane.

inside my head all i can hear is �go away� stop taking the best of me away!�

i run everywhere to try and get away from it all and in the end find myself locked in mike�s recording studio. the tears run so madly down my face i feel like i�m being drowned. i just sit in the corner of the room and it smells so vividly of mike that all of a sudden i feel a bit safer than i do upstairs.

i can�t stand it up there. the waiting was driving me crazy and i needed to get away. so i locked myself in a place where i felt safer.

sat in front of me is a piece of paper and lots of crumpled up ones that i�m sat around. i had to move loads so that i could sit down.

i pull it down and begin to read.

tears well up in my eyes again, but they aren�t tears that hate the world. they are tears that make me feel lucky to have met a guy like mike.

even though the hell of what i�m going through is torturing my soul i�ve just realised that there�s nothing more better than having a person who cares by your side

then the memories of that kiss come flooding back to me and for once in the last few minutes i�m smiling again. i just hope things are like that when mike finds me again. god i�m so paranoid about this all...