sitting watching the world go by is not only one of the most relaxing thing to do but also the most calming and peaceful. makes you think. especially if you are sat on a bench watching life go by and just saying 'hi'

thats what i do most nights at the moment. theres a few things in my life that i need to know where to begin to start with and always getting someone elses opinion is a good idea.

in other words my next door neighbour, matt, has found the cuts, scars and scratches on my body.

they were seen whilst we were sat chatting one night. nothing got said but he mentioned it to me a couple of nights later. i didnt say much due to being embarrassed that they had been found out.

i hate it when im found out.

being my next door neighbours they hear the screaming and shouting that goes on in our house. just like we do with theirs. except ours is kind of bad at the moment.

i blame myself. i should blame myself in all honesty as a lot of this is hatred to my mother.

she disappered off 3times in 18months without telling anyone and never told anyone. it ripped our family apart as my parents almost divorced.

now im sat here wondering why i bothered trying to keep my family together as all my mother does is the same things as per always.

things feel wrong and i hate that feeling. i want things to be right and things to feel like a decent family should.

for my family i will achieve my hardest to get that and i wont stop until i do. i want the love for my kids that i never got from my own family

my next door neighbours family is the type that dreams are made of. ok they argue and kick and scream but their problems arent as deep-rooted as ours.

--

maaike called me yesterday.

extremly out of the blue saying that she had nothing to do with the becky incident.

i have my wariness of course but she did phone out of general caring friendship. and wouldnt stop calling me until i answered and explained.

she phoned later that evening as well and of course i was still wary. but both of us have something becky is not aware exists... thats the fact of how hard it is to live on your own and that world of caring for yourself.

i want that part of my life back but because im better at it than living with people i dont want to be with. i hate living with my parents. it drives me crazy

--

good things have happened though. been watching lots of films - 'red dragon', 'reign of fire', 'chicago' and '8mile'

spoke to tom as well. it was nice talking to him. hadnt spoken to him for a couple of days as had been too depressed to and didnt want to take it out on him. did warn him about all the scars on my body and we had a great chat about football.

he spoke to me about his xgirlf. which i dont mind as he needs to get her out of his system. she spoke to him and im so proud of him for standing his ground

i think us being friends at the moment is a great thing. at least we make each other laugh and smile :)