i get the feeling that some people just dont understand. even despite going through the same thing. it hurts to know that and sometimes it can really hurt. like its almost ripping your heart out. even though you met them the same way.

how do people get to be that cruel and heartless.

im talking about the becky and heather situation. along with a girl called maaike whose come along for the ride.

maaike was the worst one out of all of us and twisted things to make herself look the most innocent one.

ive been on the same depression drugs as her and they never made me as awful and bitchy as she was. its not even on the side-effects as her. so i was always wary of her and what she did. but i never said anything.

but they all ganged up on me last night and siad the most horrible things. like i was a usefless fucking bitch who didnt deserve anything and that all i deserved was to die. in fact becky even wanted to do it for me

these were supposed to be my friends!

the only friends i have online are the friends who have the password to this diary and a couple of others. they are my true friends. friends i can count on to be there when i need the support instead of going through hell of anything.

its called loyalty and friendship. its called giving a shit about your friends as they are there for you when you need them the most

ive decided for definite that im not being hurt anymore. its not doing me good and im trying my hardest anyway to keep my head up high.

its hard to do that though when people say stuff like that. no one deserves friends that rip your heart out and say things that make you wish you were dead. especially when you have been wishing that for the last couple of days and trying it.

my body looks like its been in a fight with a knife. technically thats true but its not out of choice... well maybe... its out of the pain ive felt through things that i see as my fault that arent.

i almost killed myself last night. today im glad i didnt because otherwise i wouldnt be holding a limited edition 'white stripes - hotel yorba' 7" vinyl

and i wouldnt be looking for things in life that im looking forward to. like tidying my room (dont ask- im mad i know!) and watching 'red dragon' later on.

i read 'silence of the lambs' the other day and was really impressed with how it was wrote. i love edward norton as an actor as well. especially in 'fight club' and that one with richard gere in it. thats gonna annoy me with what its called now!!!

oh well... happy life hear i come *fingers crossed*