ive probably said this before, but im whats known as a panic depressive which means that all things can get on top of me an di go a little bit mad and take things out on things i shouldnt.

now the side effect of one of my drugs is depression. thats not a good mixture believe me. no one seems to understand at times and tahts what hurts.

my friend lara had a go at me for being an attention seeker and thats what im definitly not. that sentance still lingers around in my head.

you know like those tv programmes when all hell breaks loose for one person and they cant cope and all the bad things are being repeated around them. thats how my life feels like. almost exactly. well the easiest i can put into words. its mad.

theres some things taht were said to me years ago that i cant get rid of. not even psychologists can get rid of memories

anyway i lost it today. i couldnt stop certain things and just went mad. throwing things about and screaming about the hell and taking it out on certain things in our house.

i wish i hadnt. i feel like a bitch for it.

then i went upstairs and grabbed a sliver of broken plate and my razor and the knife i nicked from downstairs and sliced my legs and body up quite badly.

i dont think i have skin left.

i had to. i couldnt not after what i did. id caused a lot of pain and i needed to take it out on something. that something was me

i do it with everything that hurts me or ruins me. the more the pain, and the more the cutting.

i dont expect anyone to understand or realise what im doing. people say its selfish and would never do it. but they arent put in the position that i happen to be in.

i never asked to go through this pain did i? but i have to accept it and the hurt im carrying. its not nice. but someone has to and it might as well be me.

i cant complain about nothing i can control i know but sometimes it can get annoying. like you cant do anything because some force has taken over you.

its like your not yourself anymore and sometimes it can be kinda scary