i havent been about for a bit coz i havent known what to say. instead ive just wanted to sit in the corner of a room and cry. a friend died. at my house. overdose. people are saying its my fault because it was at mine. in reality if they knew her boyfriend they would realise its not mine. and tahts the truth.

ive slowly been going out of my mind with what to do. i even tried to talking to a friend who just screamed herself out at me. i was upset and guilt-ridden as it was and wanted the same things as my friend did. just for those moments. well lets just say my left wrist is covered in bandages.

im not me anymore. i felt that everyone had discarded me. my best friend was officially diagnosed as dead and another of my friends had practically said 'fuck you' to me. it was like id lost everything all in the space of 24hours.

as i said ive been too scared to come on here because i couldnt find the words to come on here with. ive been scared as to what people would say. ive heard the same 'it'll be ok' over and over again. until the point where your reaction becomes almost robotic like.

the weirdest comfort ive had in all of this has come from tom. his girlfriend is due back from florida in a weeks time and he seems kind of upset about it all.

he claims hes not but you know the truth when somesones not with it and not wanting to answer it right.its like when he asked me about the boyfriend im sort of seeing.

if only he knew properly.

i wanna run away somewhere with him. he talks to me in a way that he cares... gives me comfort... texts me goodnight and goodmorning... asks how things are going... says he'll be thinking of me when 11.30 comes around (the time of the funeral today). just stupid things that you want someone to say when you feel as low as you do. he even walked me to the taxi rank to mae sure i got home ok.

you know when its right... you know when theres a familiar face... you know when you cant stop feeling happy because theres someone there, just waiting to give you a hug and a smile... just so you know that likfe will be ok... just someone that you cant really describe without falling into there gaze like someone addicted to making all your troubles float away...

thats thomas greenman in a nutshell