i know i put them all through a hard time but they know that seeing me like i am right now is good for me.

not completely good for me as not seeing mike as much as i�d like to drives me crazy.

louise has spoken to him on a number of occasions but its like being stuck between something that drives you mad and something that drives you crazy.

in black and white, if i�m announced as mike�s girlfriend then i have to go through the gauntlet of spotlight once more. the one thing i ran away from. if i�m not i�m just driven crazy by not seeing mike and having no one know.

i can�t win and it drives me mad.

---

mike and i get back to his later that day. the management for his band sent them home early as the video shoot wrapped earlier than expected.

although as we left we walked past the room where they had called a meeting and unexpectedly heard �mike� and �catya� mentioned in the same sentence.

it�s kind of sent a shiver down my spine every time i think about it. which i try not to.

i�m concentrating on mike instead�

he�s cooking a pasta bake for us both and i�m sat in the kitchen, head on my hands watching him, and trying not too be too picky about what he�s up to. he looks up every now and again to smile and stick his tongue out at me to make me smile.

he heard it all as well. i know he did because he was quiet all the way home apart from saying �i�m not dropping you off at home, your coming back to mine�

mike�s now come to terms with what happened with jack that morning thankfully. i don�t think i could stand another blazing row like we had before.

ok, yeah i wasn�t really into it but it all just drives you a bit mad and mike does his best to cover it all up for me. he doesn�t want me to suffer that fate again

to be honest if we had a row, neither of us would really be thinking what we were saying about. more than likely we�d be thinking about what was said as we walked past the board-room.

mike suddenly breaks the tension�

�catya, you know how i feel for you don�t you� he suddenly says as he stirs the pasta in the steaming water

�yes� i say, fearing the worst

�well i did something i shouldn�t after you left� or at least i said i wouldn�t do�

�what have you gone and done this time� i ask, looking at him desperately for answers

�i spoke to avril about everything when we were watching jack shoot his other scenes. from what you�d told her in rehab when you both were there together� well she�d kind of figured things out and had known for a couple of years now, that something would happen between you and me�

�and��

�avril knows. she knows about you and me. she knows how mad i am about the whole situation. she just knows. and completely understands as she feels the same way about her girlfriend, casey.�

�oh� i gasp, not too sure how to take everything

�avril�s seen as the straight rocker girl who just rocks out as a role model for all women. yet she is a role model for women. she loves playing the lesbian shows. that�s where she met casey. you know casey don�t you��

�i think so. she�s the girl with the really dark eyes and purple hair isn�t she?�

�yep�

�she�s a right laugh. i met her when she came to visit avril. they were only friend�s back then weren�t they? i always knew they�d get together. they seemed to get on more well then any couple i�d ever seen�

�even better than you and me� mike asks with his puppy-dog eyes after kissing me on the cheek

�well� erm� i don�t know� erm��

after that we just collapse in giggles and as per usual when we fall about laughing we end up with each other�s head on the shoulder of the other. it always happens.

normally we end up kissing but this time is different� mike pulls me back and links his arms around my body. holding me securely and tightly whilst gazing into my eyes

�look� i�m sorry about the hell i put you through today. i know all of this is hard on you and you have a big decision to make. my behaviour today was not right and i didn�t want to be like that. i just didn�t realise how much i do actually love and care about you. things will change� i promise you�

with that he kisses me and i�m left standing there wondering what just happened...