some people arent gonna be happy with me but they arent the ones who have had to put up with what ive just put up with.

there are some things that are pure evil and other things that should never be said... reliving someones hell in front of them via another person is one of them.

what my mad manic ramblings just meant is that for the last few days ive been going out of my mind with this insanity ive been caught up in. to do with something i have yet to deal with properly.

well technically i can never get over it because it happened but i can do my best to accept it. thats all anyone can ever do

this is something thats really had to write by the way. i dont even want to write it but i know i have to.just to get it out of me if anything

but...

one of my best friend's, becky (her diary is at 'tatufan80'), has been dating this girl, heather, for the last 8months or so. ive always taken it with a pinch of salt and lived with it.

just in the last month or so they've been arguing and bitching like mad. and gues whose been caught in the middle coz she gets told!

not that i mind being told as i do want my friends to be happy. not that heather is my friend. but becky is. and i dont want her hurt

the other night though becky was mad as hell when heather turned round and called her a rapist because of her need for sex. that she feels like shes being pushed to do something she doesnt want to.

if truth be told they dont do anything at all. havent done for the last 2months.

beckys not the type to push for anything that someone says no to. believe me i should know... im her ex-girlfriend!

now i seriously took the 'rapist' bit too heart as not only did i think it wasnt right becky being called that but also because.. *squirms in seat*.. it happened to me last year by a supposed friend. very brutally.

i dont want to go into details but lets just say im still scared and very scarred that someone i had trust in could do something like that.

im still in therapy over it all and get nightmares about it. i relive it all in my head and wake up screaming.

i hate the word 'rape' anyway. it sends shivers down my spine and i just want to run away and hide

last night everything came to a head and i did something i shouldnt. sometimes i dont even know why im still here for the amount of pills ive taken.

i did try my hardest not 2 but i just couldnt resist. it hurt too much. the memories mainly.

i dont tell anyone when i do it either.

well thats not technically true this time around as becky had text me and i text her back saying what id done. but it was too late as i'd already done it.

so im sorry to the people i promised that i wouldnt do. please dont think any less of me