sometimes i wonder if i really am lost or if im stuck in a place i shouldnt be. if theres a pain in myself that i cant find or if my life is really reflecting the pain in my heart. as i everything has gone mad and im stuck in the middle of it looking lost and confused. not sure where to go or what to do. as if lifes reflecting what i write about. this feels like song lyrics as i write them. but its not. its real life

i can be good at starting up the confusion but i dont mean to be like that.

like yesterday. with my family nothing went right. everything was confused and i took it to heart way too much. well it did cost me a walk home from work that took 90mins after running round a busy restaurant all day.

some people i dont particularly like or get on with. my mother is one of them. she doesnt have any time for anyone apart from herself. sometimes i wonder why i bother. maybe i care to much.

last year i managed to keep my family together. dont know how. everything went mad

my mother has a habit of running off and not telling us where shes going. the first time she did it she was away for a week and no one knew. that was until i came downstairs to find her packed and just about to leave. i hated telling my family although we did get on really well without her.

shes done it 3times now and thats the reason why my family almost got divorced.

so i ended up fighting her and doing stuff with pills that i shouldnt have to. but i had to. i felt there was no way out. that i couldnt take it anymore

everything else in my life yesterday was ok. some parts were actually great.

i work with a guy called tom. normally he works at weekend so i dont see much of him. now he has college over and done with and is looking to sort a job out while he looks for what he really wants from life.

ive always adored him from the first moment i ever saw him. i remember that. he was cutting up mushrooms in the restaurant kitchen and i felt helpless for a moment. i couldnt concentrate on anything and it was like i lost the ability to breathe for a moment. he had that amazing affect on me.

over a few weeks it took time to know him but we got on well and apparently ive brought him a lot more out of his shell. he's a very private person.

he worked yesterday (as you might have gathered!) and we were teasing each other like mad.

he's talking about getting together again with his ex and so am i. kind of. so am i. kind of. but thinking about it tom's a nice guy. oh i dont know.

whatever happens though tom and i are great mates. we spent the whole day flirting anyway! cant wait till saturday when we next work together. its gonna be so much fun!!!

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id write other stuff in here right now about one of my supposed best friends but the feelings are too raw at the moment. i cant stand what happened. shes ruined my life at the moment.

another reason for the pills