peter irvine...

peter's an ex-boyfriend of mine that ive suddenly found myself thinking a lot more about. well since i had a conversation with lara about which x-boyf excited you the most. i dont understand exactly her meaning of 'excited' but its got me thinking of peter ever since

i only really answered him because he did make me smile. he was different to my ex-boyfriends in the way i could actually talk to him and he wouldnt see me as a freak. more of someone who needed a hug. that was sort of the type of person i needed back then.

id met him on st patricks day last year with a pink of guinness and a four-leaf clover drawn on my face in eyeliner. leprechaun mark introduced me to him.

i had seen him around but i thought i was out of his league, what with him being a goth. an actual one. not like a 14year old dressed up and calling themselves goths!

we got talking and he brought me a couple of drinks and helped me play pool and it was actually surprising how comfortable i felt around him. ive never felt that comfortable around any guy. i mean the first time i spoke to him i admitted i was cutting myself. i guess saying that to him was more of a cry for help rather than anything.

the thing was he didnt look at me like i was a freak or looked down at me like it felt a couple of my friends did. only because they had never come across anyone like me in that way.

even though i said that i still gave him my phone number and he had text me by the time i got home which i found even more surprising and for the next couple of days we spent constantly texting each other. in the end i had to bite the bullet and ask him whether he fancied coming over mine.

peter turned up and i introduced him to my flatmates before taking him up to my room. we sat there watching 'starship troopers' and chatting like people who had been mates for ages. no uncomfortable silences or anything like that.

he stayed over and we slept in the same bed. really close together. id just split up with a guy so sort of wasnt ready for anything but we did kiss and hold each other which was really nice. even though we werent together there was something there as i remember waking up and finding out i was being held in the same way that the guys in my dreams hold me.

i still smile when i think about it.

easter holidays started at the end of that week and we chatted for about 2hours every night and some times during the days. he always called. 2days into the holidays he asked me out. id spoken to the guy id just been dating and was happy to find out there was nothing between us. so i said yes to peter and missed him so much for the next 2weeks.

when i saw him when he got back it was so great to see him. he looked like i remembered him to and we just held each other in the middle of the street.

afterwards we went for a drink and then watched 'idle hands' and 'spaceballs' round his place. between films he went out to get dinner for us both from the kebab shop round the corner.

peter loved doing stupid stuff for me like that.

the day before my birthday we walked round town going in all the bookshops and staring at the fantasy/sci-fi books. well he stared at all the sci-fi ones!! he's been trying to get me into terry pratchett (catherine finally did last christmas when she brought me 'guards guards'!) but walking round it was really nice even though we were on temporary split. he was ill as well and needed to get some stuff to make it all better.

back at his after doing our shopping we sat and watched tv together. i asked him whether i could kiss him and we kissed. now whatever happens i will always compare a kiss to that kiss as he took my breath away. he looked at me in the same way as well.

ill never forget that kiss or that look

our temporary split had come about after he stood me up one day and i asked him to come round the next day. he stood his friends up to make it up to me.

he came over and we sat there uncomfortably for awhile. he broke the silence when he said 'what can i do to make it all up to you'. i replied, without realising, 'well you can help me sort this relationship of ours out'. he looked at me relieved and we just hugged and i remember tears rolling down my cheeks and onto his shoulders before he pulled back and kissed me.

for my birthday a week later, he brought me a 'nightmare before christmas' photo frame which i adored (i put a picture of us both in it) he also came to the cinema with me that day with catheine. paid for me as well. we all watched 'blade2'.

i hadnt realised he wanted to come until after id switched my phone on. i had a text saying 'do you mind if i come along?'. course i didnt! i was going with catherine anyway.

he has always treated me with a lot more respect than a lot of guys ive ever dated and its felt really nice.

when we split up it was horrible. i cried for ages but i knew it had to happen.

we split because both of us were getting into something neither of us could handle. it was getting too serious. although i could have probably handled it given the chance i couldnt have expected him too.

he had been into drugs and promiscuous sex before he met me. that died. he never cheated on me or fucked me about. i remember talking to him when he was stoned and i couldnt stop laughing!

he was a university first year and i was in my third year. it wasnt going to work forever and id always known that. was just hard coming to terms with it all.

i dont know why im thinking of him and it feels strange. that was all a year ago.

maybe i just miss him and the way he treated me. that i imagined it all

but i know i didnt. i still have the picture