thinking about it i sometimes wonder if i am actually the same as what i�m describing mike to be as well. i mean i'm in the same business as well. what am i even doing here? is this really what i want to achieve out of my life? is mike what i want?

maybe all rock stars are two different people

i need answers to my questions and i need them quickly but only i can answer them and i�m not very good at it.

my job takes me everywhere. it takes me to bands that i used to tour with and love hanging out with at sound rehearsals� after gigs� etc. i used to watch them snort cocaine and pop pills and when it was offered to me and i�d turn it down, i�d get looked out like i was a freak.

there was this one guy, from a really famous band that i won�t name, and he looks the picture of innocence but as soon as you get him alone he�s in this private room with someone else snorting cocaine and everyone knows it. everyone that gets access to the �very important person� lounge. then he�ll spend the night trying to live off that buzz, but if it�s a downer that he�s on he�ll spend the night looking so fucked up that he�ll sit in the corner, smash a bottle and try and get the buzz he wants from slicing a bit of broken glass across his arm. of course that never works, but rock-stars do stupid things when they are fucked

what i kind of don�t understand is what�s so important about someone taking pills that they have to have a special room in a hidden part of a club, just so they can have something to give them the same buzz as what they get on stage. if you�re famous that�s it, you have a ticket to everywhere. you can queue jump if you�re recognised and go straight past being searched for drugs, just so you can go and do them. i know groupies that only hang around bands just because they want a bit of the drugs that they cant have in a normal club, and be with the rock-star when they do get happy on whatever drug they are on that night. what else are groupies for

the tabloid newspapers would have a field day if they really knew what went on with certain famous people. all they ever see is them stumbling out of a club at 3 in the morning. securities tight round the hidden rooms. you�ve got more chance of breaking into a jail then you have of getting into a �drug club� as they are known as. the worst for hanging out in these parts of the all are the ones that look so innocent that it makes you sick. and that�s what makes them do it. that you have to put on this charade 24/7, well that isn�t normal. but its what the record company want.

now i�m looking at myself like i�m a freak and nothing seems to be making sense all of a sudden. well it does in a way because what i�ve just been thinking is the reasons why i left

career-wise i haven�t really moved on. i�m stuck in a rut that�s given me the same people but in a different situation. i get to see the bands perform on a small sound stage where they shoot the videos and i�m paid to be in these videos as the person they�ve obviously written the song about

mike knows i do this so why he can�t get over what i do, and what i have just done, i have no idea. i think its just the normal 9-5 mike that can�t accept it, rather than the mike who belongs in the rock-star scene

�i cant take you kissing jack, and i�m fighting the need to tell everyone is because i don�t want you to have to bear the scars of what you did go through before,� mike soulfully begins, �i remember sat in the garage recording the demo for our first album and loving that album you recorded, and thinking that they are tearing you to shreds for the way the band split up�

�i�ve never heard you say that before� i sniff

�i didn�t know how to� he says before adding, �your band was an inspiration to me. that record pushed me to send off demo tapes more than ever. then i had this horrid guilty conscience when i saw what they did to you. none of that was your fault and because you were the lead singer it was all blamed on you�

i�ve never heard this side of mike before. i know he cares and i know he was inspired by what he heard from my album, �second time around� was written in answer to a song that i�d recorded for my bands album, but normally mike�s full of rage when he�s in rock-star mode. you�d never believe how different he can be when he�s alone and wanting to be in 9-5 mode.

deep down i think all mike wants is to work and come home and collapse to a pizza in front of the fire with a woman he loves and a family he adores to pieces. he�s at that point in his life where he could jack it all in and just be 9-5. he won�t say it but he�s scared of being the one that admits this. so are certain members of the rest of the band. although i do hear this second hand.

when i left the band i fronted there was this complete media up-roar and its still talked about today. not as much thankfully but other rock-stars get the question in interviews that i dread the most� �...so do you think you�ll ever do a �catya� and totally fuck up a band?!� mike�s had that question and that�s what got him thinking about what really is important in life. that�s the question that�s got him to the place where he is at the moment and to be honest with you he�s not looking forward to promoting the song �should have listened� that this video goes for, just because i�m in it.

every band�s video that stars me gets that question. especially the front person. thankfully mike�s a guitarist but is known for talking the most in interviews, bout everything and anything. you can�t shut him up sometimes! he can get himself into so much trouble sometimes that i do worry about him and getting on the front page of some tabloid paper. hes managed to do that before when something he said was taken way out of context and sparked off a war of words with this other band. in reality though they are the greatest of mates!