i dont really know what to write today but i just feel like having a ramble and so thats what im up to... in case you cant guess already!

today we're going round garden centres to grt some pots and plants for the front garden ive been designing. im pretty creative and artistic when i want to be and nows one of those times! whats coming along so far seems pretty good and im sure when the whole lot is done it'll look great!

i wish i didnt self-harm as much. part of me wants to be admitted to a psychiatric ward because i feel thats where i should be as this isnt normal. i know 1 in 5 people are depressed but i seem to be the only one in few groups of people i know. its either that or every single one of us is depressed. its like i cant win and its hard to leave the subject alone. in hard times a razor can be my best friends because i want to be proud of something that ive done. instead people look at me like im a freak. especially some psychatrists. but my theory is taht if i spend a little while in a psyciatric ward then i might come to my senses and realise what im doing is bad and hurtful. i know ill only have people being proud of me when i stop doing all this and become the (posh word) normal. but i dont think i can. its like im too far down this hole to get out.

i got my 'avril lavigne - let go' poster this morning that i have been waiting ages for. i just have the problem of finding room for it in my room. i love posters. in my room i have the new linkin park poster, white stripes at reading 2002 (only because im in it!), white stripes, wolves, contemplation, 2 different 'lord of the rings- two towers' posters, the beach, both harry potter films posters, 8mile, avril lavigne, guiness horses and loads of small ones. btw these spill out into the landing doors because my room isnt really that big!

you should have seen it when i was younger and had the bigger room. i was a big huge bad boys inc fan as well as an oasis fan and the room was covered in them all. oh and the ceiling was covered in newcastle united football club posters because i was such a tomboy then.

always have been and always will be!