i made one of the biggest decisions of my life today. i left my job at sainsburys.

im leaving on sick-leave as my depression has become a lot worse recently and i cant deal with a lot of things. one of them was the personel manager being so condescending and patronising to the fact that i have been ill.

im meant to have a risk assessment today to find out whether im well enough to work the job i do. ive worked in places where ive been a lot worse with my epielepsy.

its not something i can help, its something i have to spend the rest of my life with and hes treating me like i have a cold and am disabled at the same time! thats just not fair and no one should have to be treated like that

ineed to sort my head out before i can even think about where i go next. ive made a psychatrist appointment for the 1 sept and its the best i can do at the moment.

in all honesty i feel ready to move on and go back to psychiatry. part of me knows and is proud of myself for wanting to do this. before i was just not ready for it all. too nervous to sit in a room with someone i dont know and talk about the hell my life has gone through. now they have the notes from all the times ive been there and it doesnt feel so bad and i dont have to re-read my life out to someone. thats the bit i hated the most. re-living it all.

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im selling a lot of my vids as well on ebay. i cant believe someone wants my 'chasing amy' video for �3.41!!! its madness i tell you! but i dont mind as i get / need the money and get rid of a video i never watch!! i cant believe it! last time i looked the bid was 50p!!!

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a couple of my mates have been a bit down at the moment. they live abroad so its harder to turn up on their door-step and give them a friendship hug. which is all i wanna do

i feel really awful but i cant help them. im going through what they are at the same time and i have to put on a happy face just to make them feel better. im sorry, because i know you are reading this and i do want to help you but i cant help you as much as i'd like

but please for gods sake dont ruin yourself. do what i need to do. i know its hard but its the one thing you will be proud of.

i feel really awful saying this here.