fame can be such a fickle place to be sometimes. i have this feeling where i sometimes like my job because of the viewpoint i have. i mean i get to look out at the things that go on and the things that no one else ever sees. and i hear it from others. but i also have the comfort of going home to a place where no one can find me. except the odd weirdo!

i look and see mike but really wish that he could admit that is what he wants. call it extremely selfish or call it what you will but although i am that 5 years older than him it is surprising the difference half a decade makes.

i�ve grown up a lot just recently since the 4 years that passed of me leaving. it took so long to get out of rehab that i still visit the psychiatrist every now and again for peace of mind. i panic that i�m not ok and that i will crack up again like i did before.

that was horrible. it felt like i was slowly going insane and that no one was there for me when in reality there was but i couldn�t see it. all i could see was what was out of my window, and that was a squillion and one cameras and they were all after me.

there are things that i�m not happy with myself for doing and things that i cant remember but i get told i did them and it really freaks me out that i did. it all happened six months after the band split. the first few weeks were the worst.

nothing, but the flickering of lights and the rustling of bushes whenever i opened the curtains. i stayed there on my own with the lights off and crying in the corner. i never moved for practically two days. i didn�t want to move. no one could get me in the corner. i left the phone ringing so the answer machine could pick it up and i trained myself to forget that the doorbell existed.

i did have people that cared about me. i just couldn�t see it. it felt like that the one thing i�ve loved all my life had turned its back on me and my heart was broken because of it. i locked myself in a room where i knew there was no music. the bathroom.

everything felt like it does when you�ve just split up with someone you�ve given your whole self to someone and he or she breaks your heart by doing everything against the grain. you can�t see a way out of anything and everything that is about feels like it�s closing in on you. that no one actually really understands what you are on about because no one knows the other person.

the only way you ever find out about a person is if they have given themselves to you and you have done the same. there begins the start of something special and what love grows from. that�s what happened with music and me.

but i couldn�t get the music out of my head. that�s the bit that drove me insane.

i got a melody or a chord that went round my head. it wouldn�t go away because i was so in love the feeling of the creative music streak that was in me. but then all of a sudden it turns its back on me and i�m left with a thousand cameras on my front door-step and i didn�t know what to do because i�m not trained for something like that.

the person that saved me is actually the person standing opposite me at this very moment in time, trying to work out where we should go from here. he has been talking but i just feel like i cant deal with this at the moment and so have been stood here trying to work out what to do. i should do this at home but its something i can�t stand any longer.

if i do get involved in this then i�ll slowly go mad, as there are so many things i need to say. that�s why i'm making this mental list. just so i can talk to him later about it all. now�s not a good time due to mike being still agitated and i guess kind of mad at jack.

mike saved me with an answer phone message. i�d kind of got round to the idea of that i should move from the spot i�d inhabited for quite a while and i got up and slowly kind of walked round the dark house. it must have been about 4am. could have even been 4pm, as i didn�t know as i had the curtains shut.

the whole house was dark and eerie and it freaked me out so much when the phone rang and i was stood by it. sort of one of those �oh god what do i do now� moments!

with the phone by my bed i just lay there in floods of tears listening to mike�s calm and soothing voice. he was the first port of contact i�d had with the outside world for roughly 48hours! it was strange knowing that someone else existed in this mad world. i still did think i was going crazy. think it had something to do with the darkness of it all.

there�s something very maddening about being locked in a house, with no contact, in the complete darkness. but at the time it was what i wanted. i wanted to be in a different world. somewhere where no one could get me and that no one knew i existed.

mike knew how i felt at that time. he was more sympathetic than i could have ever imagined. i don�t even know how he got my number as its not like we�d ever really talked before. maybe once or twice. never to the degree that we did that night. i�d only ever seen him from the other side of a room before but this time he actually made the effort to talk to me. god knows how he got my number! but i�m glad he did make that call. i don�t even know why i picked that call up. its not like i�d picked any others up for the last few days is it!