�i know its stupid isn�t it� mike sniffs as he tries to laugh

�nah� i�d rather be helpless with you than anyone else in this world� i smile

�you�d find someone else, i�m sure of it� gorgeous� sexy� looking girl like you�

�maybe so but they wouldn�t be as amazing as you, and anyway i don�t want anyone else. all i want is you� i reply as i stroke his cheek �your going to be just fine if you stay here with me�

�i know� he whispers as i kiss him on the forehead

--

from the bench opposite that i used to spend all my time writing lyrics and ideas from, mike, and his minder, watches me knelt down in front of a grave where my best friend lies, six feet under. i have tears in my eyes but that�s normal because that always seems to happen with aidan�s grave and me.

this is place is so peaceful and quiet. there�s a motorway just next to the place and you can�t hear it at all. it�s like someone put an enchanted spell over the place. it just has this peaceful aura to it. you could be here for ages and not realise any noise what so ever or that anyone else existed.

�hey aidan, hope your doing well down there� i whisper gently to myself and the grave �that�s mike over there. i�m sure he�d say hello to you... i know your watching over me and i�m ok. i have a lot of people helping me out now after what happened. mike especially� i left the flat yesterday. i hope your not too mad at me� i couldn�t leave it before because i wanted your memory to stay alive forever� it deserves to, as you are one of the most amazing people i have ever met. shall come and see you soon�

i never know what to say to aidan�s grave, but i always kiss my fingers and place them over his name. every time i do that it always makes me smile. like he really is watching down on me because it feels like if i close my eyes then all i can see is he hugging me. this time though he wasn�t just hugging me� he was saying everything was alright and he wanted me to move on.

with that in mind i turned away from aidan and walked to mike. his minder just went on a walk but not too far. we are lucky that not many people are about, but you never know sometimes. i snuggle up against mike and we both keep our eyes on the grave before mike turns to me

�well done baby� how do you feel now?� mike asks as i then too turn around

�nervous, but glad i came here today. i think aidan�s ok with everything. it sounds stupid but we always had this weird connection with each other and since he�s been dead there�s still no difference. i just have to close my eyes that�s all�

mike looks at me strangely but then gives me a hug. a nice protective hug that only a man can give a woman when she is down and he realises that she need is

i don�t think men understand all this as much as women do. my theory is that women think too much and the emotionality of that comes through. i guess my story is kind of testament to that. i�m like every woman in this world. i try my best, emotionally and mentally, to fix the world but it never works and then i end up wondering why i�m in a depressive state when i shouldn�t be.

people who look happy are never happy. with all the evil things that life throws at you how can you remain with a constant smile on your face? i don�t think its possible to be honest with you. how much happiness is there in this world when all you�re faced with is hell and destruction every day. you can scream it all out but no one listens and you cant find the goodness in all the bad things that go on. all you can find is hurt and yourself completely numb.

i was numb to aidan for a very long time after his death. i gave up a lot of things. if i left the house i left it hidden in a very thick coat, despite it being the middle of summer, and would make my way to the cemetery, where i am right now. the ground where he was buried was sinking and the flowers on the wreath i�d brought were dead. as dead as he was. now there are plastic flowers that adorn his grave. i know they won�t die. they keep his memory alive and they keep the memory of him alive. but they aren�t as wonderful as the memories i have of him in my head.

--

things are quiet as mike and i walk in the house. i knew they would be. he hasn�t known what to say. all he�s really said is �well done�. but then again no one knows what to say because its not as if its going to make everything perfect again, because that�s the type of words you want to say.

i�m glad mike even came to be honest with you. i never thought he would. i know he spoke to louise this morning as he had a right to understand what was going on. it was meant to be kept secret but louise sneakily text me this and said what he�d said to her in the text, about how nervous he was and how he was trying to deal with all of this and yet deal with it at the same time.

i�d never thought of him having to deal with it. i just thought its happened and there�s nothing that can happen to change it. yet i�d forgotten about the shock of seeing aidan there that evening. took me ages to get over that shock. if i could call anywhere home after that i�d probably say the cemetery but really i ended living in different friends places. people that knew aidan and understood me. i tried to get everyone else i knew to pretend he didn�t exist but everyone was trying to help me. yet i was blind to this. my wounds were deep and the pictures i had of aidan ran around my head like he was real and would come round that corner any second.

to be honest i don�t know what to say to mike because he�s how i feel at the moment and i�m trying to move on. both at completely different ends of the scale. i watch mike though. intently. he stops right by the stairs to the recording studio basement and i can feel my heart thump really hard against my chest wondering what he will do.

�mike� i call out and he spins round, like he�s just been caught out, �are you alright�

�yeah� he calls back nervously �� erm� no. i�m going upstairs i think�

i know he wanted to go downstairs as well. the look�s been on his face for ages. i saw it in the car as soon as we got in it. i�m proud of him. just as proud as he is of me for doing what i did today. it�s taken a lot of guts for both of us because it�s just felt like we�re the subjects of so many battles that it�s very draining. yet we are both still here. somehow.