i havent been about for a couple of days as i phoned my friend marge up and asked her whether it was ok if i crashed on her floor for a couple of days as i needed to get away from home... the situation id gotten myself in. basically i needed a breather to look back on my life and see what was going on. to see wat i can repair and what i can do differently

thankfully she said it was ok and so i packed my bag and my parents kindly dropped me off in luton town centre. i made my way to the pub where marge works and was so glad to see her! i always am. christina was working as well but had a bad case of the pmt's as we later found out and so was in a bit of a mood. that was until you stuck chocolate down her mouth!

i sat talking to the locals for awhile until marge's boyfriend, rich, turned up. hes a great guy and id promised him a pint if he turned up to keep me company! we had a great chat

i felt really happy for the first time in ages. not to do with being with rich but the whole situation i was in. i was with friends in a place where your friends keep your life together... you see luton isnt the most wonderful of places. it is what you make of it though and i gained the greatest of friends while i was there and to this day i still do.

spent the next couple of days just shopping with marge and first of all christina, but it was the nights that really rockd out. it was like the girly nights id always wanted and never got. the girlie type of nights that are so cliched its not even funny! all nights were basically me, marge and christina.

first night christina and i were sat there remembering old times as amrge read her book. i dressed christina up once as a witch for halloween and everyone commented on how great her hair looked. id spent all evening crimping it and then all of a sudden marge said she wanted hers done. christina decided to give her a makeover so thats what we did. poor marge ended up looking like an 80's aerobics instructor. her hair looked great but i dont think she liked her make-up!

second night we all had a bit of a heart to heart as i was a bit upset as on the way back from walking christina home from the pub id seen marvin (he raped me and made me watch it in his mirrored wall - thats one of the things i cut myself over) and got a bit tear-ful about it all.

i could write it just then because i found the confidence to tell marge what happened. ive always thought id be deemed a freak and i partly hate myself for putting myself in that situation. marge made me look on the good side. she pointed out all the positives rather than the negatives. the reason i ended up back at his was i thought there would be a group of us playing scaletrix (both of us are just complete kids!) and she said she'd have done the same thing and been there like a shot because it was thought there was a group.

she made me feel so much better about myself. that im not as dirty and filthy as i think i am sometimes. the self-harm comes from the hatred i have for what ive been through and all i want is the pain to go away. it makes sense. cut something and something seeps away. cut yourself and all the pain inside seeps away. but its not like that at all. instead for the last 9years its just made myself worse

i learnt a lot over the last few days about myself that i was hiding from. i didnt run away, like i almost did at one point, i stayed and faced up to the understanding of some of my problems and christinas as well. shes started to do the same thing and both of are problems almost run parallel. the only difference is i want help and she doesnt. but you cant make someone get help.

i owe marge a lot for her letting me crash on my floor the last few days. starting with a short story of mine. she wants to read some of my stuff. guess what im going to call it... 'the dragon gallery'