as he spoke to me he didn�t use therapy talk, or anything like that, he just spoke to me as a friend, nervously asking how i was. when he said that i just felt all those tears that you can�t stop running from my eyes, over my face and to the duvet on the bed. all the pain i�d sort of carried around was starting to be lifted away from me and on to someone who wanted to help. except it didn�t help. mike wasn�t in the right country to help. so i turned back to the one thing i knew in my heart of hearts that i probably could never get rid of�

mike felt so bad, as bad as he may well do now, that he was so far apart from me to be my saviour. i remember saying this to him�

�i'm so fucking sorry to depend on you all the time and i know it's a pretty shitty thing to do seeing as i hardly even know you... i have to tell someone i don't know who i don't think will judge me. i split up with something i didn�t want to and i don�t know what to do next. i mean i�m guessing you already know. stupid of me to think that you don�t know. especially after that fucked up thing on the television. but is that really what people think of me? a stupid person who cant fend for herself without her band. a band that topped the charts with an album known to be an inspiration to millions of lost children everywhere. what have i ever done to make everyone feel so guilty about what i want to do? i�m as human as the rest of them out there and they can�t take this. or am i not. have i really deserved all this�

and i went on like that for ages

god knows what mike thought! here is someone i had never met in my life and i was talking to him like you would a therapist or a really good friend when you cry in the pub over a pint. i�d never spoken to him and yet here i am crying into the sheets about how awful my life is and where do i go next? i guess i just wanted to talk to someone who knew all the answers or that i figured might know all the answers. an insider, like mike from in the business whom i knew on the grapevine seemed to cope very well with it all might have been the answer to my prayers.

instead he wasn�t.

he was just someone whom i thought could help me out in my hour of need but the only person who could help me was me, myself and i. yet i didn�t know that. i just believed that the answers came from other people rather than myself. i was running away but yet i was staying in the same place. and behind the locked doors as well. i did try but i couldn�t help myself because you have to be ready and i wasn�t.

somewhere along the way i got trapped in a corner that i�m still in but am proud to be in. somewhere along the way i got turned into this girl who sees another person in a different light. and that happened to the other person as well. now we just go out of our minds with worry for the other person and not knowing whether they are okay drives each other insane.

guess who they are!

for a year and a half after that infamous phone call i never heard from mike again. for a year and a half i was in constant rehabilitation, for my insane depression, after that phone call. i used to think that maybe he had tried to call but couldn�t get through due to me being locked away in this lovely place away from everything. it was just what i needed. and it was on this planet!

i met mike again when his band mate, avril, turned up after a night out on ecstasy and alcohol. she had been admitted to hospital after a turn in a club that wasn�t good. an extreme downer. a downer that i knew existed but didn�t know anyone that had experienced it.

avril�s always been a strange girl. she�s the drummer that has the moody, i�m-gonna-talk-when-i-want-to-and-your-gonna-listen sort of attitude. it�s really scary when you are caught up in it. she doesn�t talk, she screams. but she doesn�t realise it. she believes that nobody cares that she�s dying on the inside and screaming her lungs out. she�s obsessed with this and that people can hear her through her drumming. that�s why she�s a good a drummer that she is.

although mike and i had never spoken for almost 18months i had still kept up with the band. not through the media but by my sister, louise, who visited me an awful lot. she was always racked with guilt that i hadn�t come to her and that it had taken a complete stranger to make me come to my senses. in reality i hadn�t come to my senses. answering the phone was a temporay blip in my depression

louise was the one that discovered me as mike had no idea who to contact about my depression and so had looked up louise�s number. don�t ask me how he did it as its not spoke about. maybe one day i�ll get to know

louise forced herself in my house, through the door that was kept hidden, with two sledgehammers wielded by her boyfriend, andy, and my brother, paul. you see the front door was made out of this really tough wood. paul still keeps comparing it that jack nicholson film � �the shining�- when they finally broke the door down and could get it.

as soon as they were through they ran round the house and i tried my best to keep hidden as i was in a state after talking to mike. i was ashamed of myself that i had admitted all my problems to a complete stranger and now was in more worse a state than i had been.

i was bleeding on the inside and i was bleeding on the outside. something i�m not proud of, but something i couldn�t help as i was hurting so much on both sides of myself. i was found in the kitchen pantry, by louise, with a knife by my side and in a pool of blood. not literally a pool but you get the phrasing. as soon as she saw me louise screamed. that�s the only thing i remember from that episode. i don�t even remember the knife or anything like that.